I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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