On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
