Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
