All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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