You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
