Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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