I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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