Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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