"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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