stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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