I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
And then he peed in my hair
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