I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
