She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
