i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
