rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
