the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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