dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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