Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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