I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
oh god the rape fog is back!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
