We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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