my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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