Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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