He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
