Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
