I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
