Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
