She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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