i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
