My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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