My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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