You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
