Swine flu. Run for my life!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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