It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
