Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
