Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
