Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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