Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
