my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
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