I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
