In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sarcasm needs its own font
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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