Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
