Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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