how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
