Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
