I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I wear drunk well.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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