fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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