Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
