Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
