I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
