Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
