Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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