just come out here and I will go home with you...
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
