On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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