Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
