I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
