omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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