i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
