I could make wine with my vomit
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
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I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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