I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
