I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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